


Poolside Lesson in Body Worship

by Clamdiver, Pearlybj



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Body Worship, Fingering, Foursome, Incest, Multi, Oral Sex, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 14:26:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15775938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clamdiver/pseuds/Clamdiver, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearlybj/pseuds/Pearlybj
Summary: The Striders steal all the cookies at the family reunion, in addition to another valuable. Gratuitous Derse foursome.





	Poolside Lesson in Body Worship

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rhaeluna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhaeluna/gifts).



> This prompt for this piece was entered in the Drone Season 2018 Exchange by Rhaeluna. Haven't met her, but she sounds like a lovely lady, go say hi.
> 
> To Rhae: Thanks for participating in this year's pail collection. We present to you some excessively aroused Strilondes and teases. Have fun! ;o

Thirteen goddamn hours of the flight and another forty minutes in a taxi; the presumptuous, mouthy broad didn’t breath a word the entire time. It was worrying Strider, even if the source of Rose’s anxiousness was clear: a few dozen loud snobs puffing away at the fumes of Wonderland that they called family.

 

The two of them hadn’t seen their relatives in years. The endless piles of homework, comics, and novel drafts separated them as effectively as the ocean did. Still, it was hard to ignore a card in the mail with two plane tickets and a paper cat singing along to Bob Dylan once per hour. Rose was furious when she realized the thing was hand-crafted. Shit, was it ever hilarious. Their cousin Roxy deserved a congratulatory bunp for sending such a beauty. Fuck, what was that girl up to these days? Strider really needed to catch up with her.

 

Outside Dubai proper, the taxi finally rolled to a halt. Rose eyed up the resort before glancing back at her older sibling. Noticing the latest overblown dramatics from Strider, Rose questioned, “Oh? I was under the impression that kissing the ground was supposed to follow the flight.”

 

“Give us some damn privacy, Rose. Lemme greet my one true love in peace, you hag.”

 

“I always suspected you cared for me less than the dirt beneath your heels.”

 

Strider hurried to snatch up the suitcases. “As if. See, I’m burning sweat to carry your luggage for you- the hell is even in here? It’s too fucking heavy.”

 

“What a convincing display of affection. You’ll have me swooning into your embrace if you continue on like this, dearest mine.”

 

Rose checked them in, and Strider lugged everything up to their room. They had a hot second to rest before they had to make their way down to the resort’s banquet hall for the family reunion. 

 

“Damn,” Strider whistled, “Gotta give this place props for its spot on the swank-o-meter. It’s almost as far up its own ass as one of uncle D’s film festivals. You think he and our cousins are here yet?”

 

Rose hummed, scrolling through her phone. “It appears that our petty prince held up the line at the airport due to carrying some ‘suspicious looking devices’.”

 

“Gogdamn that guy. No one in their right mind is gonna accept a sixteen year old as a business partner selling sex toys.”

 

“Sharks follow the scent of profit into dangerous waters.”

 

“Sure, Rosey. You keep at the cryptic act while I go piss, sound like a plan?”

 

The restrooms were all turquoise mosaics, enough blue to make Strider puke into the fancy, little fountain sink. It took longer than anticipated to figure out how to use the shitty thing. By the time Strider returned, Rose was cornered by three of their relatives.

 

Great Aunt Moldy-Skirts was on point. “That father of yours had no sensibilities. On the other hand, you are a fine young lady-”

 

Rose’s defense was cut off before it started.

 

“-those novels of yours are most unbecoming. You ought to-“

 

Strider stepped in and offered each of them a hug. “Awesome to see you all, couldn’t contain my excitement, I’m bursting like a big red piñata here.”

 

McTwo-Missing-Teeth gave Strider a funny look. 

 

“Do I know you?”

 

“Why, cousin Sai, don’t you recognize lil’ old Dixon? I was at your girlfriend’s baby shower; it was a real showstopper. How’s the wife by the way?”

 

“I’m not Sa-”

 

“-Right, so this girl here?” Strider threw an arm over Rose’s shoulders. “You won’t ever meet someone more proper than my Rosie. She’s chock full of the stuff. Got all sorts of pleasantries and refinery fallin’ outta her ass.”

 

Strider took the drink from Rose’s hand and clinked it against Moldy-Skirt’s glass. After a tiny swig, Strider nudged Rose.

 

“Ey, look at that, it’s our third cousin Manar hitting up the buffet. Better say hi to her before Dad gets mad, right Rose?”

 

“Ah-yes. Yes, we needn’t keep her waiting like that. It was lovely catching up with you all.” Rose dipped her head slightly and allowed her sibling to whisk her away.

 

They were nearly outside of the main hall when Strider leaned in to say, “Don’t let those assholes talk down to you, got it? Where’s my snarky witch of a sister that takes no shit from me?”

 

Rose laughed lightly. “Your bullshit is entirely pedestrian when compared to the judgemental barbs of distant relatives. I suppose I am not immune to the nuances of social etiquette like yourself.” 

 

“See? That’s more like it. Keep that up, but with every shriveled dick and vag in the room. Instead of me. Anyone but me.”

 

Strider could feel some of the tenseness in Rose’s shoulders loosen. Good.

 

“Perfect. Chin up, ass out. Time to raid the dessert table. I wanna snag all the apple maamoul.”

 

Rose just sighed, not bothering with a retort.

 

When they finally sat down in the back of the venue, Strider had four plates full of pastries. 

 

“I’m going back for the rest. You want anything, Rose? No? Good.”

 

Just then, Rose’s phone started to ring. Holding a up a finger, she answered, “Hello?”

 

Strider took that as the okay to leave and made a beeline for the buffet. Just as the last sweet, sweet, maamoul was about to be claimed, it was snatched right out of Strider’s grasp.

 

“Hey! Give that back you little shit. Didn’t your mama ever teach you to share?”

 

A lanky teenager- wearing what were surely the dorkiest shades to ever grace these gleaming halls- gave Strider a deadpan stare.

 

“I’ve never had the pleasure of meetin’ the fickle woman known as my mother, but who knows? You could be her.”

 

“Are you saying that I had sex and pushed out some dweeby, little punk at the age of two?”

 

The douche replied with a lazy shug. “Not likely considerin’ how flat your hips are, but the probability is nonzero.”

 

Oh no, he did not.

 

“Someone oughta throw you over their knee and spank that sass right outta ya.”

 

“Kinky. I suppose you reserved a room here? Later, you and I can get better acquainted.” He lifted up his shades to wink. “Scream nice and loud when I call you mommy, alright?”

 

Holy fucking shit, what was with this guy? Where was Rose to defend Strider’s fragile womanhood?

 

From behind, someone said, “He—y, what’s happening over here? You kids playing nice?” An arm snaked its way over Strider’s shoulder along with a whiff of cheap cologne.

 

“Wassup, Uncle D? Someone oughta call 911 preemptively, cuz this place is gonna burn down. There hasn’t been this much Strider-Lalonde hotness confined to one place since 1666.”

 

Strider traded a totally chill fist bump with the most rad of all uncles. “Sup, man.”

 

The teenager corrected Strider’s statement, “Call 997; I presume you actually intend to reach the local fire department rather than burn tower throughput.”

 

“Oh, stuff that shit in your ass where it belongs.” Strider turned toward Uncle D. “This tool took the last of the apple maamoul, but I saved some for you back at the table, D.”

 

“This is a fig cookie, you antediluvian ape. It seems you are short on-” 

 

Uncle D covered the teen’s mouth. “That’s no way to greet your cousin, Dirk. I’m sure I musta taught you manners, uh, sometime, yeah?” He was already slurring, and there was a hint of whiskey on his breath.

 

“Oh shit, man. You’re the famous DiStri? Last I saw of you, you were a mushy pile of mammal fat at toe-stubbing level, only words you knew were dada and butt. Damn, c’mere man.”

 

That got a good laugh from Uncle D. “You’ve grown quite a bit yourself, Dixie-sticks. And filled out, wow.” He whistled.

 

Dirk finally offered the only proper greeting in his arsenal- a fist bump- and looked over Strider with renewed interest. He said, “Don’t think I’m rescindin’ my offer as a result of this revelation. I am still interested.” Oh gog.

 

Strider led the other two back to the table. Roxy was already seated next to Strider’s little sister, pouring over a copy of Rose’s latest draft.

 

“Hey, Rox.”

 

Roxy greeted them with a beaming smile. “Oh man, who’s this totally smokin’ babe? Is that u, Dove?”

 

“Fuck, you know it is. Come here and gimme some of that famous Roxy-brand sugar.”

 

Strider pulled the shorter girl into a warm embrace. She smelled like sweets and some kind of high end perfume.

 

When she pulled back, Roxy gave Strider a once over of her own. With a hum of approval, she said, “Ur more gorgeous in person, Love-Dove! Shit, u got all the guys following u left ‘n right.” She points to the two men already seated.

 

“That is a strictly false claim. I was dragged not following,” Dirk said.

 

Dove opened her mouth to snap at him when Rose cut her off.

 

“I agree, Roxy. It would appear as if our family had a bit of genetic fortune, both in terms of looks and abilities.” She looked at Dove. “Purely from a subjective standpoint of course.” 

 

Roxy pushed, “Dirk! Go say hi to Rosie. U’ve been dyin’ to meet her!”

 

“Go on, my man. Complete the summoning circle,” Uncle David joked.

 

Giving an exaggerated sigh, Dirk pushed himself from the table and walked over to Rose. All he managed to do was stand there awkwardly.

 

Rose gave him a patient smile. “Hello, Dirk. It’s an honor to finally converse with you face-to-face. You might say I’m a fan of your products.”

 

The teen stared at a distant spot on the ceiling and muttered a bit.

 

“Pardon? I didn’t quite catch that.”

 

Again.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

Dove snorted. “Dude, she can’t hear you whispering sweet nothings to the marble.”

 

“Hush, sister mine.”

 

Dirk threw daggers with his eyes. Turning back to Rose, he spoke quickly. “Your works are admirable, as Roxy said, and meetin’ you is noteworthy. Sup.” He tried to cover a flush as he sat down.

 

At Rose’s prompting, Strider served herself proper food from the buffet. Uncle D had wandered off somewhere, and the rest of them ate together. Turned out there wasn’t much to catch up on when the four of them texted regularly, and anything too embarrassing to discuss over the internet sure as hell wasn’t being brought up in public. Instead, they chatted idly while they ate.

 

When Dove grew bored of teasing Dirk, her attention turned to her sister. She slipped her shoe off and- careful- tapped a single toe against Rose’s ankle.

 

Rose threw Strider an annoyed look but didn’t pause in her monologue. It took a foot dragged across her shin to disrupt her. “-and I commended them-  _ Dove,  _ please.”

 

“Excuse me.”

 

The four looked up to see a rather irritated man holding up a disheveled Uncle David.

 

“He said to bring him back to Rocky and Dick?”   
  


Dove couldn’t resist the laugh that bubbled up her throat while Roxy raised her hand.

 

“That’s me alright, Rocko at yer service.” She patted Dirk’s back. “And this here’s good ol’ Dick.”

 

“This hobbling drunkard doesn’t concern us. We were in the middle of something,” Dirk dismissed.

 

“I believe it would be irresponsible of us to leave Uncle in such a vulnerable state.” Rose pointed back to David, who was busy feeling up the other man’s designer suit.

 

“Us? U and Dove don’t mind helpin’ out?”

 

“If that’s alright. It would be a shame for our night to end so early while in the midst of getting re-acquainted with one another.”

 

“Aww, of course. It would be a gosh damned crime if me and the fam couldn’t let our best cousins to stay over, right Dirky?”

 

Surprisingly, Dirk nodded. “I suppose we could afford them accommodations for a night. Grab David for me.”

 

“Thanks, lord stuffington. You’ve got generosity dripping from your lower pinholes.”

 

“Anything for you, Mother.”

 

Rose arched an eyebrow at Dove, who refused to offer an explanation.

 

Strider ended up dragging her and Rose’s luggage all the way back down and into Roxy’s kickass ride. A V8 equipped with fresh Sport 4 S treads, that cougar was gonna make sensual love with the road. Or that’s what Roxy told them. Dove didn’t know up from left herself. 

 

Uncle D got shoved in back between Dirk and Dove. Too inebriated for proper posture, he leaned all his weight against his niece. He prattled on without stop.

 

“Fucking calendars doing so much flipping. Yer full grown now, Dixie-sticks. Ya were so young- still refused t’ eat anything but ma’ Jane’s apple pie- when ya named yerself after me. Goddamn bawled my eyes out when I heard. Best fucking niece a guy could ashk fer.”

 

Dove allowed her uncle to sob lightly into her neck, even offering a few pats here and there.

 

“Here we go,” Dirk grumbled to the window.

 

They had to stop once- Roxy would plant lead in his skull if her Pop got sick in her car instead of the curbside- but otherwise arrived at Uncle D’s vacation home in a timely manner. Shit, was that ever a gorgeous piece of architecture. The front was a garish parody of the mudejar architecture style, and the east wing appeared to be crafted entirely from cardboard. It brought a tear to Dove’s eyes.

 

Rose commented, “I see your neighbors are quite fond of you.” All the surrounding properties were for sale.

 

“Yer so good ta me, Rox, top notch, tha’s what ya are.”

 

“I know, Pop,” Roxy sighed.

 

“Ay, Dove, tell th’ bastard Richy ta call me once in a while gogdammit. Keeps a guy waitin’ at a party an doesn’ even show up! If he wans’ ta visit me ‘n Crocker alls he’s gotta do is ask! Acts like i stole ‘is bes friend, fuckin... bullshit.”

 

“You realize I had to tie Bro to a chair last time, right? If you want a call from him, there better be a big prize waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.”

 

Uncle D didn’t answer. He was busy trying to get his tie and belt off. Oh gog, why was he trying to take his belt off.

 

They narrowly avoided an incident by sitting David down and distracting him with a soap opera. Dirk made sure he had a few glasses of water.

 

The man’s words became more coherent the more he got into the show, rambling about Ms. Alfonso’s interpretation of the script and her time on sets. Apparently, she was a real professional of the unattainable type.

 

Roxy completely misread Rose’s stern expression and whispered to her, “Don’t u worry ur pretty lil’ face. Ur way more fuckable than Hope here.”

 

Dove spluttered, “What- Rose is the main star of your fantasies? Fuckable like ‘I really want to get worked over by those hips’ or-“ Rose graciously covered her mouth for her.

 

“Lol, fuckable is just a complement. Now, if I had said Rose is the funnest and the baddest, then I might be proposotionin’ her.” She winked.

 

...Whelp, good thing Uncle D fell asleep before hearing that one. Dirk tucked him up, and he looked safe and comfortable. Time to bounce from the guest bedroom on over to the main sitting room. 

 

“Damn, Dirk. You’re a fully tried and tested ninja when it comes to this sorta thing. I’m nowhere near as gentle with Bro when he decides to give sobriety the finger, just throw him on the couch and call it good.”

 

Though they just came from the buffet, Roxy brought her cousins a decorative platter with sparkling lemonade and… all of the cookies Dove snagged? When did she get her hands on those? Shit, Rose would see that as a jab at them.

 

Strider made an attempt to distract her sister, “We oughta put your stealth snatching to proper use, Rox. Any chance you know where Uncle D might hide something valuable? Vintage cider or maybe pilfered goods. See, there’s a one of a kind piece of steaming garbage tucked away all safe-like somewhere in this house. Bro wants to get a hold of it.”

 

Rose gave Dove a skeptical look and said, “I wasn’t aware our father had done anything deserving of a favor recently.”

 

“Oh, he hasn’t.”

 

\---

 

The vacation home was sprawling, with a deceptive number of twists and turns. As per Dirk’s recommendation, they started with the courtyard. Beside the pool, there was a small bar hiding Uncle D’s personal stash of treats and liquor.

 

Dirk stuck a key in the cabinet door, and the lock all but fell apart in his hands. None of them could even tell if it was broken. Fucking Uncle D and his ironically useless shit. Dirk attempted to reassemble the lock while Dove dug through the cabinets, looking for any sign of valuables. The other girls sat on stools at the bar.

 

“Perhaps it would help if we knew exactly what steaming piece of shit Father has in mind?”

 

“Yeah, Turtle-Dove, I need to know those juicy deets if u want me to snag them goods.” 

 

Looking up from playing with a drinking bird nic nac, Dove said, “Only the shittiest, most ironic piece of media to ever dodge the airways.” She smirked.  _ “The Muppet Babies; The Uncut Version.” _

 

Dirk looked over, suddenly interested. “Don’t leave it at that. Tell me what this uncut version is.”

 

“Trust me, go in blind. It’ll be a hundred times better that way. Rule of thumb, always go in blind.”

 

Rose complained, “My publisher begs to differ. The staff were of the opinion that the subtle themework and implicit storyline of my most recent piece wasn’t quite exciting enough to capture the heart of the intended audience.”

 

Dirk cursed, “Fuck them. Who are they to decide the value of golden shackles.”

 

“They are my superiors in a business-minded meritocracy, grunts of the company whom have an unfortunate amount of control over my continued employment. I would have been fired last December were it not for an unexplained spike in my sales. It was truly fortuitous.”

 

Dirk said, “It was Roxy.”

 

“Don’t tell her, Dirky, c’mon!”

 

Rose gave them a questioning look. “Pardon, what precisely was Ms. Lalonde responsible for here?”

 

“Oh, u no, just told a few friends about ur books.”   
  


Having no qualms playing the traitor, Dirk explained, “Dad informed us of your plight with the publisher. Roxy coded several bots to boost your hits. A number of the algorithms she used were beyond my technical expertise, hence I was unable to assist her.”

 

Roxy flushed. “Hush u! I was just doing the novels justice; nothin’ much really.”

 

“Is that so…?”

 

Dove could see the hesitation in Rose’s brow and shoulder line.

 

“Yeah, totes.  A lotta people’d love to experience ‘em. I was doing them a favor, too.”

 

The trick, the barb Rose was expecting never came. Instead, Roxy responded to her questions with excitement. Which was ur favorite part to write? What did u intend when u sent Zazzerpan across a plasma lake? I know u wrote some juicy scenes for chapter nine that weren’t in the final draft, gimme the deets.

 

Dove gave up on prying open the cider she found and listened in.

 

“I should hardly think there was any evidence left of censored content after the seamless work the editor graciously offered my work. What makes you say that?”

 

Roxy snorted her juice. “Ur coworkers are keyboard monkeys, Rose. Wish we could help u there. But forget that. I want my spicey slash, don’t hold back.”

 

Something loosened up behind Rose’s eyes, a loss of tension Dove only experienced when they were alone. Her sister went on to explain the missing sex scene in graphic detail and the significance the romantic encounter had on the overarching theme of the title. Roxy was on the edge of her seat, flushed with excitement.

 

“-and finally he removed his the seal around his fluctuating core. He hardly deigned to trust a lover to be so close before. There were far too many archspies and scum that would take advantage of his vulnerable state.”   
  
“Not the truest ‘zard from the far east. U’d be crazy to hate on that young, loveable face. He’s… captivating.” Roxy rested a hand on Rose’s knee. “U no, I really look up to him.”

 

“I admit I’m flattered the characterization has earned that much admiration from you.”

 

Typist’s fingers splayed out over bare skin- “U okay with that?”

 

“I- ahem- quite, yes. Thank you, Roxy.”

 

Dove grabbed Dirk by the back of the shirt and hauled him away from the bar. “A’ight, that’s our queue to make ourselves scarce, bro.”

 

From the door, she looked back. Roxy’s lips were on Rose’s, one hand on her shoulder, another tracing the edge of her skirt.

 

Dove turned away, skin burning. When enough distance was between them and the pool, she asked Dirk, “Right. Any other ideas where your daddy likes to stash the cash?”

 

“So you do have a teaspoon of tact. Not even one lewd comment detailing the witnessed mackin’ between our flamin’ hot sisters. You’ve thrown my expectations thoroughly as a worm that barks.”

 

“Oh, can it, Dirk. Guilty pleasures, skeletons in the closet, give me a clue. I will have that dvd.”

 

Dirk feigned a thoughtful expression. “Guilty pleasures - there is a non zero chance you will indulge yourself sexually while imagining the details of the current poolside escapades.”

 

“Wh- fuck, I meant Uncle D’s not mine. But you already know that, fuck you.”

 

“Since you asked so nicely, I’ll make that possible.”

 

Dove stifled a groan, “Oh my god, why am I surrounded by the most insufferable douchewads on the fucking planet?”

 

Before she even got a chance to start up another rant, Dirk replied, “The game room.”

 

Dove blinked.

 

“Huh?”

 

“To answer your prior inquiry, the game room would be our next most probable location in which we will find David’s ‘skeletons’.”

 

\---

 

A few minutes walking through the labyrinth lead the two of them to a set of double doors. Dirk grabbed the handles.

 

“Prepare to have your proverbial and literal stockings knocked into the farthest reaches of  space.”

 

Dove stuck her tongue out. “My garters are loosening as we speak. Just open the door, poindexter.”

 

When he did, Dove was momentarily blinded by the sheer amount of lights coming from inside. Arcade games boomed through the surround sound, casino tables lined the rows, and bar games made up the center. Off to the side, there was even a crane machine filled with sex paraphernalia.

 

Surprisingly, Dove lasted nearly a half an hour before growing bored. Her attention lasted. Fuck. That aside, why did the game room have so many nooks and crannies? Raiding them all turned up quite a few bones to pick. There were at least four different peoples’ clothes and the supply of formaldehyde Roxy confiscated ages ago. Or maybe there were actual skeletons if the two items were related… No one really knew the full extent of Uncle D’s collection of dead things.

 

Dove spotted an old Dance Dance Revolution machine across from the craps table and was unable to further resist all the flashing lights and electric temptations.

 

“Yo, Dirk, come show me the dance of the OG weeaboos.”

 

“Careful, you’re lettin’ your idiocy poke through. A chimp could tell I’ll kick your ass at DDR.”

 

“I dunno man, I wasn’t too shabby at Stepmania back when we still had an arcade. It’s gotta be easier since I’m a fully fledged babe now, complete with longer legs.”

 

Dove’s most suave cousin lost control of his expression. “...They’re not the same game.”

 

“Woah, not trying to trample any toes here. You can even pick the songs, dude.”

 

Dirk didn’t answer, booting up the machine silently.

 

The cheeky bastard selected a song with an unsteady tempo for their very first round. Dove was too damn smooth to be tripping over her own feet, but she wasn’t having an easy time of it either. For the second round, she tried copying her cousin’s posture. Part of his weight was on the bar behind him, and he never touched the center of the dance pad. He had no trouble making the clunky movements of the game look clean and smooth.

 

After they finished Dove admitted, “Alright, alright. I’m eating my own words here. You look pretty damn good on the mat.”

 

Dirk shrugged and planted his ass on the billiards table. “You picked it up quick. Given proper focus and enough ass-whoopings, your height advantage will put you on par with me.”

 

“Well fuck, Dirk. I had no idea you had anything sweet to say in that crazy, barbed wire brain of yours. Err, kind of sweet.”

 

“Allow me to enlighten your sallow mind with an observation of mine, then. There is a hint of your birthing in your jaw line, givin’ even the casual observer the impression of a strong, undeterrable woman. You stray so far from my usual type that you’ve wrapped right back around to allurin’. Sweet enough for you?”

 

“How the hell does Uncle D’s son have a type? He slobbers after everything in sight.”

 

“As do you. I, however, get particularly turned on when I meet someone pliant yet sharp. It’s relatively straightforward, even for you.”

 

“Wh- fuck you, dude. Didn’t even take the bait I dangled for you.” Dove couldn’t quite manage to sound offended with her small chuckles. Dirk had all of Rose's sharp wit and humor, but applied it directly to the very open wounds he left earlier; it was the same flavor of appeal.

 

Dove grabbed one of the billiards balls and turned it over in her hands. Idly, she said, "The food here is rad as hell, but I'm suddenly craving fried chicken with sriracha, you know? That satisfaction from the crisp matches that hot feeling in your throat from taking a begging virgin on her knees."

 

Her cousin looked startled. He covered it with another barb. “Your maw knows no human limits, hungerin’ despite the three dozen cookies you ate.”

 

“Man, enough insults. Where’s your off switch?”

 

“Come find it yourself.”

 

Dove spluttered, “What, no, what are you saying-”

 

“It seems you’re too thick to manage a proper grasp on the more delicate flirtation techniques that I-”

 

She dropped the ball and shut Dirk up. With her fist clutching the fabric of his shirt, she dragged him forward. He would’ve fallen off the billiards table had he not run straight into Dove.

 

She looked him over, his hand at her waist, his dumb glasses that couldn’t hide the way his eyes were blown wide, not from this close. He reeked of satisfaction, a man that claimed a victory.

 

Dirk fished a small remote from his pocket. At the press of a button, all the lights dimmed, washing them in blue light. Soft music joined the random dings and upbeat trills from the arcade games.

 

“You sly son of a bitch.”

 

And he kissed her.

 

Like with the game, Dirk’s movements were never clumsy. He played with the hem of her shirt while opening her mouth to a heavy kiss. It pissed her off- gog, did his confidence piss her off- so she bit his lip.

 

Dirk squeaked. 

 

Oh shit, that was a sound that went straight to Dove’s dick.

 

She pulled back and licked her lips. “Heh, that’s the best thing to come outta your mouth all night.”

 

Dirk glared absolute murder at her; it sent another spark down her spine.

 

“Tsk, no one is surprised you would use a cheap tactic like that.”

 

Dove laughed. “That’s what happens when you reach for a pearl; you might get your fingers pinched right off.”

 

The younger ran his tongue over the spot that was bitten. “Never said I didn’t like your tactics.”

 

“Ha. Doubt I shore up to all the shit you’ve seen running a sex business.”

 

Dirk kicked his legs around a bit. “Hardly. The site is strictly a source of income; I keep it professional.”

 

“Control to starship, your dad’s got more money than the entire sultanate of Agrabah.”

 

“That’s not even- no, forget it, and leave your long nose out of my family’s finances.”

 

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t know there was actual shit going on there, man.” Dove hesitated then rubbed his shoulder a bit.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“I heard he’s pretty good with stocks? Did the family cow spoil recently? Can only get sour milk from her teats.”

 

Dirk was fervent with his answer. “No. David has stunning fuckin’ acumen with stocks. Never doubt it. Some of his more daring purchases merely make me uncomfortable, and I prefer to have my own cash.”

 

“Damn. When I was sixteen, all of my focus went to calming awkward boners around my best buddy. I would’ve hated having that much to juggle. But hey, you and Rox have more expensive hobbies than me. You can install some shiny, new car things in that hot babe of hers.”

 

Dirk threaded his fingers together, wearing a wistful expression. “That’s right. Even if David goes bankrupt, I can still spoil her as I see fit.”

 

“Man, Rose deserves some more of that. She’s constantly dodging my flying bullshit, yet she loves me anyways. Don’t tell her I know, though.” Dove winked.

 

“Rox is the same way. David and I are a handful- not the sexy kind- and she never complains.” He shook his head. “She’s a goddamn genius, yet she never has any qualms about doin’ shitty rp’s with me or listening to my worst raps. She’s not the type of person that needs to be looked after.”

 

“The girl may not need it, but you’re gonna become a damn fine ‘man of the house’ anyways, yeah? Ironically, of course.”

 

Dirk shook off the somber air and hooked a leg around Dove. “That’s right. Say the word, and I’ll trade in my ticket for the best prize the fuckin’ job has to offer.”

 

She played along, leaning over the table to grind against him. “And what kind of prize does a household with the functionality of a three legged cat have to offer?”

 

“First right to plunder that fine ass of yours.”

 

Dove laughed at the horrid attempt to flirt, but she kissed him anyways. This time, it was a heated dance with the taste of figs. Dirk moved his hands over Dove’s neck and into her hair. Damn, that felt nice. Dove always did melt easy as ice cream whenever Rose pet her head like a fucking puppy.

 

Dove let out a little sigh and slipped a hand underneath the plain t-shirt Dirk wore to the classy party. His breath hitched when her hand crossed his chest and grazed a nipple.

 

“You like that, sweetie?” Dove huffed. Her lips roamed his jawline, leaving little love bites all the way up to where she nipped his ear. “Mama’s gonna treat you real good.”

 

Dirk snorted. “Despite my familial circumstances,” he panted as he spoke, “I don’t actually have a maternal-based kink.”

 

“Good. That’ll make it only more ironic when I do spank your ass.”

 

Dirk hummed as he lowered his hands to thumb the indent of her collarbone. “Perhaps next time.”

 

“Yeah,” Dove said, not really listening as she decided to grab Dirk under his ass and hefted him up to lay out on the pool table. 

 

He yelped. “Shit, watch it! This is high quality merch you’re tossing around here.”

 

“Pssh, don’t worry. I’ll treat you gentle where it counts. Speaking of which, ya got any lube?”

 

“ _ Do ya got any lube?”  _ He mocked, “Is the pope Catholic?”

 

“Then what are you holding out on me for? C’mere.”

 

Dove climbed up after him and dragged her fingers across his thighs, checking his pockets. She came up empty. “I meant on you, not whether you sell any, prince cockmonger.”

 

“Mm, wrong pocket.”

 

With utmost glee, Dove unbuttoned her target’s shirt and stole it. Ha! Three one-use packets of lube in… Dove’s favorite flavor.

 

“I hate you, Dirk, you know that? Who spilled.”

 

He laughed precisely once and lounged back against the wool.

 

“Trade secret, though there’s a chance I’ll tell you after we have our fun.”

 

Dove nipped his belly and made quick work of his pants. They came off in a few yanks, leaving the shape of his halfsie to showing through his boxers. 

 

“Like what you see?” Dirk snickered.

 

Hell fucking yes. He looked great, way too appetizing, damn it.

 

“Yeah, the smuppet design really bring out your sensitive side. No doubt some hot men are especially impressed by your ballsy decorations for your balls. Assuming your sexual prowess will override your dorkiness really expresses your confidence in bed.”

 

“Jesus Christ, would you just get me wet already? I’m losing my boner here.”

 

Although Dirk’s erection had in fact not lost any of its girth, Dove decided that was sufficient enough of a plea for her to continue.

 

Gently, she rolled down his boxers, Dirk lifted himself up to allow them past his hips.

 

Dove leaned in close to fan her breath over Dirk’s groin, little moist puffs of air that caused her query to squirm slightly. Her touch started out feather-light, a brush along his thigh or under the most sensitive part of his head.

 

Just when Dirk’s blank expression was starting to crack, Dove sat up. Making a show of it, she applied the lubricant like lip balm and kissed the tip of his cock. It was a slow, teasing process, and Dirk was shivering long before she had covered him with lube.

 

She was quicker with herself. Her clothes were discarded and her cheeks buttered up. One hand was on her breast and the other guided Dirk inside her while she sat down. She watched his mouth make a little O, fuck that was so cute.

 

Dirk started to roll his hips up, so Dove dropped all her weight on his legs, pinning him in place.

 

“Where you trying to get to, honey? The party’s right here.” Dove winked, enjoying Dirk’s increasingly frustrated face and- oh yeah he wanted to thrust up so badly. 

 

Her cousin let out an annoyed grunt beneath her. “You waiting for a formal invitation? Move a bit.”

 

Dove stroked herself lazily. She was already hard. “You’ll get your turn, babycakes. Watch me first, pretty please.” She felt his dick throb inside her, betraying his sudden spike in arousal. “Mmm, just needed some special attention, huh? You’re still okay, then?”

 

The look Dirk fixed her with was equal parts outrage and need; lovely. She drank it in while she played with herself, savored it while she spilled back out over Dirk’s chest.

 

Dove shifted her weight, freeing her pretty prize. Dirk didn’t wait, driving his hips up into her hard enough to sting. Shit, maybe she should’ve stretched herself out more. No, no, Dirk was enjoying the tightness. It was worth it to see his entire form shake with pleasure, feel him clawing at her thighs when he came.

 

Dove held him until Dirk became fed up with the mess. Huh. Dove wasn’t really expecting the kinky bastard to be the clean one in the family. Dirk led her to the nearest bathroom and helped her wash up.

 

There was cum on his shirt. He just… held it out, unsure what to do.

 

“You okay?”

 

He didn’t answer. Dove took her blouse back off and handed it to him. He didn’t look any less confused.

 

“You need this,” Dirk said.   
  
Dove shrugged. “Rosey knows these two round beauties like the back of her hand, not much point in acting like a blushing virgin now- oh fuck, wait. Dirk. Dirk, eyes up her, man.”

 

“What.”

 

“Oh gog, fucking- you’ve never done this before.”

 

Dirk shrugged and pulled the shirt on. In any other circumstances, Dove would’ve stopped to tell him how rad he looked in red. It was a good color for him. Now, though-

 

“Shit, fu-uck, how does someone run a sex shop for three years without ever- nope, okay. Yeah. Time to go.” Dove grabbed Dirk’s hand and dragged him in the direction of the pool- or she thought anyways. Her sense of time was a little more accurate than her sense of space.

 

Rather than the pool, they found Roxy and Rose in the master bedroom. The two were trying to determine how Uncle D’s collection of DVDs was organized. A few were tossed carelessly on D’s huge ass bed.

 

Dove immediately latched on to her sister’s arm. “Rose. I went and blew my shit right out of the carnival, no more pizza on a stick, all that’s left are kids crying for mommy. Fix it.”

 

“Forgive my presumption based solely on your appearance, but I strongly doubt this is something I can solve for you.”

 

Roxy was trying to find words but Dirk beat her to it. “It was John.”

 

“What?”

 

“It was your friend, Egbert. I dialed him up. He spilled your favorite lube for the low price of one prank dildo set.”

 

Roxy caught Dirk in a hug and rapped her knuckles against his head. “Dirk, u big dummy! I thought we agreed on no cheatin!”

 

“Forget our competition. Congratulate me on getting laid for the first time.”

 

Eyes narrowed in suspicion, Rose questioned, “This was a premeditated effort to win our affections then? I expect nothing more of Dove,” “Hey-!” “But I am quite surprised you went along with this, Roxy. Really, allowing your younger brother to pursue such a haphazard query as my sister?”   
  
“No! It wasn’t supposed to work out on either end, I was trying to help my baby with his self-image. I didn’t expect our lil’ Love-Dove here to actually do the bang-bang.”

 

“I appreciate your absolute confidence in my wooing abilities,” Dirk commented.

 

“Shush u. Come sit with ur big sis; u don’t look too hot atm.”

 

Dove’s cousins sat together on the master bed. Rose yanked her sister down to the floor, and they rested against the foot of the bed.

 

Roxy wrapped an arm over her brother’s shoulder and said, “Tell me all the horridawful things Dove did to u. Do u want me to make her leave, or should I keep her where I can give her a good smack for u?”

 

“No. I don’t reprimand others for my fucks ups. I had not a half a fuckin’ clue you weren’t serious about any of this. I’m sorry.”

 

“Oh, don’t u dare, Dirk. U get to blame exactly none of this on urself. Me and Dove r at fault for making u all teary eyed. Don’t think I wouldn’t notice when ur upset!”

 

Dirk insisted, “There is less than one percent chance ‘teary eyed’ will  _ ever _ accurately describe my state of being. I was caught off guard, nothing more.”

 

Roxy pulled her little brother closer to sit cross legged together. “It’s just us, sweetie. U don’t hafta pretend around me or the others, alright.” She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

 

“Fine. I… was surprised. I wasn’t expecting it to be so pleasant, that anyone would be that attentive for me. I really want someone to treat you the same way, Rox. Let me-”

 

“Oh.  _ Oooh, _ it was like that, huh?”

 

Rose made sure to keep Dove and herself from staring. It was a moment surpassing the intimacy of the previous sexual encounters.

 

She whispered, “Not only have you successfully seduced and charmed our younger cousin, it would seem that you’re relations with John have become far more explicit than you’ve relayed to me. I must admit that I am unsure whether to feel more proud or insulted by your silence.”

 

Dove swatted away Rose’s hand from her chin.

 

“What and who goes in my mouth has never been any of your concern, you damn harpy. It’s not like I spend time thinking about you and Kan boning or you making out with our equally hot cousin, like shit, get on my dick. Off. Uh. Shit, forget it.””

 

A small whimper came from behind them on the bed.

 

Rose gave her sister the sharpest cheshire grin. “Dove, dearest. If that is what you wanted all along, you needn’t hesitate to ask. Really though, the moment down at the pool isn’t the first time I’ve taken note of your evident interest. It’s only a question of whether your many stolen glances or your jealousy are more obvious.”

 

More murmurs from behind, a soft gasp. Guess they were both ignoring that. Sweet.

 

“Rose.”

 

“Yes, Dove?”

 

Rose leaned in close, barely a breath away. Dove noticed the way her makeup sculpted the shape of her eyes. Worse, she had soft, pillowy lips begging for something to rest against them. It was way too late for questions.

 

“Aw, fuck it.” Dove sighed and pressed her lips against Rose’s.

 

Rose smirked into the kiss, the same damn smirk that Dirk had sported previously. Dove couldn’t help but feel as though she wore it better. If Rose wasn’t catty and smarmy, then something was horribly wrong.

 

Where their cousin had been inexperienced, Rose was fearless. She dived into Dove’s mouth as if she had known it all her life. To be fair, she had heard all too much of the nonsense rolling from Dove’s tongue. She always found something new to probe into, whether her sister’s thoughts or mouth. What the fuck Rose found so fascinating, Dove would never know.

 

An unfamiliar yet no less sexy moan was heard from behind. Roxy no doubt. Dove would have turned her head had Rose not placed both of her hands on Dove’s face.

 

“Stop getting distracted, damn you,” Rose growled, “Focus on me.”

 

Welp, hello there little lady Dove, it’s nice of you to make another appearance tonight. The audience was hoping for an encore.

 

Dove took this opportunity to play with the buttons of her sister’s top, deeming it unfair that only her puppies were out to play. They wanted friends. She fumbled a bit, and Rose decided to help Dove along by yanking the damn thing off.

 

“Shit!” Dove yelped “I thought that thing cost you two paychecks.”

 

Rose shrugged nonchalantly. “I hated it, hence why I wore it to the party.”

 

“You’re a madwoman.”

 

“So states the woman engaging in sloppy makeouts with me.”

 

“Someday, I’ll know what it’s like to kiss a norma- ouch!”

 

Dove slapped a hand against the breast her sister just pinched.

 

“Hush you,” Rose said, “Now, where were we?”

 

After rubbing the sensitive bud, Dove finally got a look at Rose.

 

The dark skin on her neck and collarbone were littered with marks. There were spots of lipstick here and there.

 

It sparked something unpleasant in Dove’s gut; nothing so sharp as jealousy, more like the itch when something was missing. It made Dove squirm uncomfortably.

 

Without thinking, she scooted closer and latched onto Rose’s neck. She followed the curve of muscle with her lips until she reached the spot Rose tapped while deep in thought. Dove left a few soft kisses before claiming the skin there. She left an angry, red mark behind when she moved on to nibble Rose’s ear.

 

Rose sighed in contentment and rested her head on Dove’s shoulder. Her fingers traced soft hips and wandered over the older girl’s stomach. 

 

“Ur finally relaxed, huh Rose? Even though u two r on the uncomfiest floor ever.”

 

Roxy was peeking over the side of the bed. She had an impish grin. 

Dove poked her nose. “Nah, this is the best seat in the house. I’ve got exclusive VIP access to the hottest woman I know. No offense or anything, Roxy.”

 

“I agree with u completely, girly. Now get ur butts up here before they get sore.”

 

Rose helped Dove to her feet. “I suppose I shall have my dear sister to myself in the near future.” Just for Dove, she whispered, “I still hope to wrap every tendril at my disposal around that pretty skin and mind of yours.”

 

Dirk was wiping his mouth with a tissue and Roxy’s skirt was disheveled.

 

With a voice still shaking from Rose’s comment, Dove pointed an accusing finger at them. “Buncha rats, you were just on my case-”

 

“Shh, no bitchin’. There are comfy pillows here.” Roxy patted the mattress.

 

Withholding no melodrama, Dove flopped down. Her head landed in Roxy’s lap, and neatly trimmed, pink nails threaded through her hair.

 

“What a totally lucky turn of events! Seems I caught me a lovely lil’ bird. What sort of sexy shit should I do with her?” Roxy winked.

 

Dirk answered by kicking a box out from under the bed. “This item requires more rigorous product testing. You’re a perfect candidate, Roxy.”

 

“What did u fuckin do, Dirk? That was confiscated at the airport.”

 

“My products are meant only for the many orifices of weepy eyed virgins, not the security theater’s filthy hands.”   
  


“So you have tested them out,” Dove quipped.

 

Roxy pinched her cheek. “None of that when u made sure urself that my man was properly fucked and flowerless when u jumped in with all ur eagerness.” 

 

Dove gave her an affronted look. “You make it sounds like I all but did an acrobatic pirouette onto Dirk’s dick.”

 

“In so many words,” Rose chuckled, “Worry not, oh sister mine. ‘Tis no fault of your own that we’ve fallen victim to our cousins’ ploy.”

 

The gentle pat to the knee did nothing to soothe Dove’s ire, thus Roxy decided to kiss the pout away. Dove felt no need to protest when Roxy giggled into her mouth. Roxy was playfully curious, less passionate than the other two. She traced the roof of Dove’s mouth then bounced away, ever the tease.

 

Dove looked to Rose for… approval? Confirmation? Dirk and Rose had begun feeling each other up; that was enough of a go-ahead for her. Little Dove approved too. Fuck, they were sexy.

 

“U ready to have a rip-snortin good time?” Roxy mouthed against her neck.

 

“Hell yeah.”

 

Roxy tore open the box Dirk had proccured and cooed at her shiny, new toy. Dove didn’t care about any fancy packaging; she preferred how it looked strapped to Roxy’s hip, all oiled up.

 

“Aww, Dirky, u spoil me. Double ended, and it’s way easier to put on than my lil girl back at home. U got an S-tier product rite here!”

 

One appreciative pat for those smooth straps, two for Roxy’s waist. And maybe just one for the base of the toy itself. Roxy squeaked. In retaliation, the girl swept Dove right off her feet and spun her around. They toy pressed against the back of her pants when Roxy squeezed her.

 

Dove was offered to her sister and cousin like a lobster on a platter.

 

Roxy said, “Quick, someone snatch her fuckin’ whitey-tighties 4 me.”

 

“Hey- I am wearing very nice panties, thank you-“

 

“Not anymore.”

 

Taking a short break from their own exchange, Dirk and Rose each stole a garment from Dove. 

 

“Ready, Love?” Roxy asked.

 

“I can move first, don’t wanna squish you.” The toy rubbed against Dove’s cheeks. “Yes. Fuck, yes. This girl was ready yesterday.”

 

Roxy pulled Dove onto her lap and laid back against the pillows. Her strap on slid in. Roxy swished her hips around as though Dove weighed nothing.

 

“-fff, shit, yeah. Smooth as silk pie, cream me up, babe, gimme some of th-that, fuck-“ Dove kept going, and she failed to catch what Dirk told Rose.

 

Whatever it was, it’s must’ve been good. Without releasing Dirk from their tangle of limbs, Rose slipped a hand up Dove’s thigh and cupped her. 

 

It was incongruous, far too much to allow Dove a spare thought. Roxy started fucking her in earnest, and Rose traced little circles before sliding a thumb deep into the soft skin above her balls. The attention had her shivering.

 

Not that Rose was focused on Dove, not with the way Dirk was growling in her ear. What a mouthwatering display: the two scrambled for dominance. They hissed and bit and sent scything remarks at each other followed up by genuine admiration. 

 

It was the opposite of the sweet words Roxy whispered to Dove, secrets and soft movements just for her personal pleasure. Each time Roxy rolled into her, she was pushed against Rose’s hand. 

 

Shit, there was no way Dove was lasting long even with her current lovers’ gentle pace. 

 

“Mm, how- how u doin’ up there, chickadee?” Roxy asked after a prominent thrust. “You’re def gorg as hell right now.” Another thrust. “You’re putting on quite the, quite the show for me, pretty lady.”

 

Dove’s bones were absolute gelatin by the time her orgasm snuck up. She shrieked towards the ceiling.

 

Not quite finished, Roxy continued to swirl and thrust her hips forwards. She groaned into Dove’s sweat-slicked neck when she hit her breaking point.

 

Everything was white noise for what could have been forever for all Dove fucking cared; nothing but the warm wall and slow rhythm of breath behind her mattered.

 

“Fuck.” 

 

“Indeed.”

 

Dove sluggishly lifted her head to see her sister staring at her from her position on top of Dirk’s waist. There was quite a suspicious mess coating Dirk’s legs. Rose smirked.

 

“Much as I loved bein’ a part of Dove’s rumpus rodeo, I love bein’ able to breath even more.”

 

Shit.

 

“Sorry, Rox. This cowgirl’s been rammed into a pile of goo by the rowdiest fucking she-bull I’d ever met. Hats off you you.”

 

Roxy pushed her off with trembling arms. Muttering, Dove chose to curl against Rose’s side instead.

 

Where the fuck did their cousins learn proper manners from? Dirk politely excused himself and rounded up a few washcloths and spare clothing. With his help, Roxy made herself presentable in record time and bustled off to get them grub. Hopefully doritos and fruity drinks.

 

No, wait, of course they know this shit. If that gog accursed uncle of theirs taught the kiddies anything, it was bedside manners. What kind of Strider doesn’t know to treat a lover to a good time like proper gentlefolks?

 

Once they were all loaded up with sandwiches and hot buttered cider- fuck yes- Rose resumed her previous activity. Which was… Dove had no idea. Rose’s quest was as mysterious as the honey ‘neath her panty line. Fuck, Dove should’ve gotten a better look.

 

“We were seeking a particular item of questionable cinematic value for our father, remember dearest? And yes, I would presume our recent endeavor has left you muttering your more peppery thoughts aloud.”

 

“The babies!” Dove blurted.

 

“Your memory may be intact after all. Unfortunately, there was no sign of  _ The Muppet Babies _ in the pool, the veranda, the kitchen, or the room vaguely reminiscent of a foyer. I also need to re-evaluate my previous conclusion of David’s personal movie compendium being too obvious a hiding place. With sixteen bookcases- each six shelves high, two deep, and completely unsorted- we may well be here until our return flight.”

 

Dirk joined her. “This ain’t the entertainment pad, this is an office. David organized them based on script coverage. From what I recall of the published cut-” “Holy shit, you’ve actually seen it.” “-it deserves a spot somewhere between... the ninety-eight  _ Avengers _ and the first season of  _ Parks and Rec.” _ He pointed at two spots on the seventh bookcase.

 

Rose sneered. “Script coverage? It is doubtful that this volume of items could be arranged according to a non-ordinal value by a single person. If you offer us insight about a proper system or code, perhaps we can deduce the coordinates.”

 

“Fuck yeah, u know I love codebreakin.”

 

Ignoring them, Dove pulled roughly forty DVDs from the section Dirk indicated and spread them out on the floor. One caught her eye. “And here we have one sweet, sweet pancake fresh off the griddle, finally got our buttery fingers on a soft, warm-”

 

Rose cut her off. “Dove, honestly?”

 

“Yes. Now get over here.”

 

Dove sidled up next to her sister and held up the uncut disc. Perfect lighting, faces partially obscured by the disc, and some discarded clothes in the background for extra flavor- Dove snapped a photo and sent it to her dad. Then, she set the movie back on the shelf.

 

If Bro wanted the piece of shit, he’d have to fly for thirteen goddamn hours and visit Uncle D himself.


End file.
